Specifically Discussing the Strong Women in My Life

So today I got sucked into a flame war over on Cute Overload -- yeah, I should know better, but of course, I entered it trying to be civil, then got trolled and couldn't hold myself back.  But I did get to thinking that anyone who knows me knows that I am about as far from a sexist as a man can be.  Maybe that's not THAT far, but I doubt that any woman who knows me would call me sexist or anti-feminist.  Am I a guy?  Yes, pretty unabashedly, but I make a point of treating all women with respect and not tolerating others around me who do not.  I've specifically made a point, for example, of casting equal numbers of men and women in the improvisation groups I have created:  that's not the most radical thing ever and I was far from the first to do it, but it was something that I personally insisted on because I felt that women generally were not (and are not) given opportunities to improvise in equal numbers with men.  Amy Seham wrote a book about it  , and the groups I learned from also insisted on equal numbers of women (at a time when most groups had only one woman in the troupe, because conventional wisdom was women aren't and can't be funny and should only play wifes, secretaries and whores).  Does this one thing mean that I'm not sexist?  No, of course not, but it's just one example of a way in which I have deliberately chosen to NOT be sexist.

More importantly, after thinking about it, I realized that I have for most of my adult life happily and productively worked under the power of and with the guidance of women -- a few men, but mostly women.  Allow me to elaborate:

1)  My first "job" was working for a woman who bred Himalayan cats out of her home.  She was an independent businesswoman who loved animals and taught me about how cats behave around each other, how to take care of sick cats, and how to be responsive to an animal's needs.  I only worked for her for a few months (unpaid), but as I had no pet of my own at the time, I absorbed this time with her animals and consider it one of the most valuable experiences I have ever had (at a time in my life when I was not very happy otherwise).

2)  My primary mentor in high school was a woman, an English teacher I had for two years, plus one year of journalism and an independent study.  She challenged me to become a better writer and a better thinker, seeing (when most couldn't) that I was too content to get by on minimum effort.  I learned my academic drive from her, and her passion for great books, great ideas, and the complexity of language and the human soul nurtured the same impulses in me. 

3)  My aunt, whom I had the pleasure of studying with one semester in England, is one of the world's foremost scholars on contemporary American drama, has a Ph.D. from Harvard and has taught at a major public university for nearly twenty years (her husband is a former Jesuit priest with seven doctorate-level degrees and a longtime college Dean).  I learned about how to most effectively engage with students by being a student in her classroom, and still attempt to imitate her pedagogy, which is exciting, dynamic, improvisational, and thoroughly effective in helping learning minds grasp complex questions.  When I was working in show business (see below), she was always telling me I was wasting my talents and needed to get back into the classroom where I belong, and she has unfailingly been one of my biggest fans and supporters as I try to make a living in this very difficult profession.

4)  While an undergraduate at NYU, I had several teaching assistants, professors and adjunct professors in the classes that were most important to my development as a thinker and a person.  My Theory of Personality professor introduced me to the enlightening work of psychotherapist Karen Horney.  When I began therapy, it was the Horney clinic in New York where I was able to make progress and stabilize myself at a difficult time.  (By the way, for those of you who consider going to therapy some indication of weakness or insanity, you suck.)  Today, I use some of Horney's terminology (always giving her credit) when I teach advanced approaches to acting and improvisation.  Another female professor taught the first true "Women's Studies" class I ever took, where I began to learn the true critical history of feminism and appreciate the complex arguments of the feminist movement(s) of the time (1990).  This was in the middle of the "Act-Up"/gay activist revolution, and much of what I learned about feminism and identity politics was introduced to me by activist teaching assistants (male and female, gay and straight and bi) who taught me how to be vigilant about issues of power and representation.  The critical thought and discourse I was exposed to -- even that which I disagreed with -- spoke to my own growing understanding of the world.  I learned from women about Jacques Lacan and Michel Foucault, and I learned from men about Kaja Silverman and Maya Deren.  (I had some wonderful male professors and mentors as well, most of them I would consider to be pretty good male feminists).

5)  When I graduated, my first real job was working in a publicity firm that was owned by a woman (who ran the New York office) and a gay man (who ran the LA office).  My immediate supervisor was a woman who barely graduated high school and was incredibly disorganized and unglamorous, but was one of the most successful and well-liked people in her profession.  I learned from her how to talk to the media, how to effectively play dumb to protect a client, how to win people's trust, and how to keep a positive attitude even if the world was a complicated place.  When I left her desk, my new supervisor was an office manager who was one of the best party organizers and event planners in New York City (she still is), a powerful woman who had no problem cursing out powerful magazine editors and TV personalities and fiercely defending those who showed her respect.  My third boss was a calm, efficient, incredibly intelligent woman who allowed me the freedom to develop my own clients and work and trusted me to give her honest and intelligent responses to serious and important questions.  From her, I learned how to be a good boss that can make the most out of someone's competence and challenge others to do their best through example and encouragement.

6)  When I moved to Los Angeles, my first boss was a peer - someone who graduated one year before me at NYU.  She had produced a student film -- directed by a woman and starring another woman -- that I had been production manager for.  Now she was employed by a major movie studio, and I worked for her at that studio for three years, two as a freelance consultant, and one as her full-time assistant.  From her, I learned about how to talk to colleagues in business and how to pick your fights wisely, and tons about communicating effectively with people you don't necessarily trust.  Her boss was a woman, frequently listed as one of the 20 most powerful women in Hollywood (much of the rest of the company was run by men, but my end of the job was definitely driven by those two women).

7)  My next job, I followed my boss (as her assistant) to work for a company that was run by two more powerful women in Hollywood, each of whom frequently made the top 50 most powerful women list (for whatever that is worth, I'm just saying these were real players).  As women who had worked very hard on behalf of and for men for their entire careers, this was their opportunity to call some of the shots, and they were part of a very powerful women's network in Hollywood.  Nearly every meeting we took was with a company run by a woman, and our home studio was presided over by a woman.  In most important meetings, I was the only male present, as most of these women had female assistants and executives.  To say that I learned any one thing from these women is impossible -- some of them were effective and intelligent, others were fearful and disempowered.  But they all outranked me significantly, and I had no problem shutting up and doing my job, only speaking when spoken to, and trusting their judgment and wisdom.

8)  When I returned to school, all three members of my master's thesis committee were women, all tenured professors at the University of California.  I don't know their exact ages, but I would guess that they had been professors of some sort for a combined 55-60 years.  Two of them are considered major scholars in their field and I also worked with both of them as teaching assistants (they consider themselves "feminists" as well and have published work related to feminism, though that is not their only area of specialty).  They made jokes during my orals about how rare it was to have three women on a committee for a male student (particularly when my thesis had little to do with gender issues).

9)  Only one of the members of my dissertation committee is a woman.  Sorry.

10)  I was also a teaching assistant for a well-known Asian-American playwright who was the best teacher of the creative arts I have ever seen.  She gave me the encouragement and opportunity to develop my own work and I am in awe of what she can accomplish with student artists.  I also hope to direct one of her plays someday because they speak so eloquently to the same notions of language, identity, and connectedness that I have learned from all of the other people mentioned here.

Finally, and I can't even put a number on this, is my mother.  My mother has two graduate degrees and has done more in her life to help those less fortunate (the mentally ill) than I can imagine.  She has suffered horrific personal tragedy and is still the most loving person I know.  She endures sexism and bias that makes me want to hurt people.  She has believed in me and supported me more than anyone (well, it's a tie with my dad).  She taught me how to be a better writer.  She has taught me the value of emotion.  She might be the bravest person I know.  She taught me about God.

I'm not saying that there aren't men who haven't influenced me -- of course there were.  And I'm not even mentioning the many, many women -- peers, friends, lovers, students, collaborators -- whom I have felt close to and whom I need.  Does it make me sexist that I trust women more than men?  That I respect the generic woman more than the generic man?  That I'm much more interested in how a casual female friend is reacting to a break-up than I am interested in how a male best friend is dealing with his?  That I'd much rather share the truth about myself with a woman than with a man?  That I dream of a day when women play major league baseball, dominate the US Congress, and control the pornography industry? 

I am as God made me.  And I'm not one to question Her methods.

Comments

[Subhangi]

I saw the flame war on CO (and my head hurts) and I actually came here to look for your email id so I could just say something to make you feel better.

While this is a well-written post, as were your arguments on CO (and I envy you that you've had so many wonderful people to learn from) I don't think you need to justify your stand or be apologetic for - horrors! - being a man. Just as I don't feel I have to apologise for being a woman (and an Asian woman at that, especially seeing how most of Asian culture - well, mine, atleast - is so misogynistic.) We know there are good men, and that you are one of them, and believe me, the comfort derived from that is what makes us plod on despite molestations, insults and oppression raining down on us from the powerful patriarchs who fear us and our sexuality and feel the need to oppress it any which way.
I hope you feel better after venting, but I feel your justifications, however articulate, would only serve to show such vicious extremists that they have succeeded in raising your ire. Just because they're verbose doesn't necessarily mean they're right (although I guess you already know that.)

Anyway, just dropped by to offer a pat on the back. I'm sorry you got dragged into that muck.

Be well

[Michelle]

I just have to say, I was endlessly entertained by your war with PFS over on CO.

Unenlightened feminist are some of the most sexist people on the planet. I'm enjoying watching you pluck her feathers. ><

[cheesybird]

Hey, bertha-s. As a dyed-in-the-wool feminist, a critical thinker, and a fan of CO, I just wanted to come over here and thank you for your incredibly well thought out commentary over there on the CNR thread. I woke up this morning to see the barrage of anger spewed over there by pinkfuzzyslippers, and was disheartened. (And I'm so glad it happened when I was asleep, because I'm supposed to be working on my thesis, and the commentroversy would have sucked me in if I were awake when it was happening.) It's such a complex issue, and you handled it with care, consideration, critical thought, and articulate commentary. Pity her mind was closed to any but her own arguments.

The sad thing is, I can concede *some* of the points I think she was trying to make. I too find the current onslaught of raunch culture, and the complicity of women (especially young women) in that sad world depressing. (Yes, I read 'Female Chauvinist Pigs' and agreed with a lot of it.) But I believe it's possible to be a feminist AND sex positive! I believe it's possible to be conscious and aware of the ways in which society objectifies women at the same time as being a part of that society and wanting to be sexual, and enjoying parts of the playing field. And I also believe it's possible to consciously play with the images that raunch culture glorifies to create a post-modern commentary on those images (which is one of the ways I looked at this particular CNR post). And I also believe that it's possible to look at a picture of a sweet marmalade kitten curled up around a soft breast and simply think "awwwwwwwww...." (Which was my initial reaction.) Not to mention, I believe it's possible to discuss these complex issues without dismissing anyone who disagrees with you with insults and the language of those you profess to hate, and sadly, that's where I think PFS went horribly awry.

Wow... guess I went off on a tangent there! My main reason for coming here was to thank you (as always) for your intelligent, reasoned, handling of someone who, if not a troll, was certainly exhibiting troll-like qualities. And reading your blog post here, I have to agree with Subhangi. While it's wonderful reading about all the women that have made such a contribution to your life, IMHO, you have nothing to apologize for, and no need to defend your feminist cred!

Keep on rockin' on, b-man!

[Shaz]

I just spent 2 hours reading all of the posts on CO, which seem to be still going, and unfortunately don't have the stamina to read your post here yet, but I just wanted to say I found your posts refreshing, articulate and, when intended, amusing.

You may have noticed that no one supported the one poster and it really didn't matter what anyone said, she is too full of self importance to view anyone's opinions but her own as worthy of consideration.

A few times I thought of adding my two cents, but realised she was unable to see any side but her own, however extreme it may be.

Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks for your posts and thanks for being a good guy, cuz I can tell you are.

Also...OMG!!! YOU WERE 5 SEATS FROM LAUREN BACALL AND DIDN'T TALK TO HER??!?

I'll admit to being two feet from Gregory Peck and not saying a word...so it's not like I can talk... :P

[Vampy]

Hey Bertha,

Don't let that little weasel PFS get to you (yea, I should take my own advice, eh?). What you stated in that thread was intelligent, well thought out, mature, inclusive and just all around fantastic. SHE is the one who chose the path of ignoring and deriding.

[Ermine_Violin]

I only wanted to say that I just think you're absolutely awesome.

Smart men are SEXY! Truly

[hibousoir]

I haven't even finished reading all of the Cats & Racks commentroversy over on CO (I had to stop. My brain was hurting and my blood was boiling.), but I just HAD to write and tell you that--as a woman and a writer--I appreciate both your arguments to PFS and your wonderful, wonderful way with words.

I *do* love people who can articulate their thoughts in heated discussions without resorting to cheap-shots and pandering. I bet you're a great conversationalist!

Have a fabulous Friday and please don't stop posting on CO!

Stacey (The library staff member who brought up "sweater kittens," and who is going to go put on a burqa now so she don't get objectified at the fruit stand on this 90-degree day. Because that is SURELY the answer to PFS's sexism problem, right? RIGHT?! ::eyeroll::)

[jds]

Thank you all for the kind comments. This is an issue that was kind of a "problem" for me in my early 20s; sympathetic to feminist causes and ideals, it was easy for me to indulge in enough self-doubt to keep me from forming decent relationships with women. Being attracted to a woman felt "wrong" -- not in the "I like men way" (NTTAWWT) -- but that I would wonder, what if she thinks I'm creepy or might get violent? Does she feel objectified? Do I not take her seriously as a person because I'm attracted to her?

So some of that "guilt" is lingering pieces of that, although I'm happy to say I don't GENUINELY feel guilt anymore. Most of what I offer here is rhetorical.

Ultimately, I stand by the opinions of the women who know and love me, even if those opinions are mixed. And I am not a perfect feminist or a perfect gentleman, by any means, and I'm sure that the subject of some of my academic work would NOT be appealing to many women (and some men). Still, I do appreciate the support offered here. Love to all.

[foxy]

I just wanted to add my comments to those above me.

I did manage to post something on CO, finally. Luckily I was asleep during the most of the discussion, so I just got to catch up when it was all over.

I grew up with a father who referred to himself as a feminist (among other things) and only now do I realize how rare that is amongst my peers. (I'm including you with them, you're not THAT much older than me). I now have a brother who is a lover of women in all forms, and would protect my right to do whatever I want until the day he dies. I find myself drawn to that type of man, and so, and I'm not hitting on you here, I find myself looking for your posts on CO because I know they will be witty and wry, and amuse me.

Keep on writing because I enjoy reading you here and there.

PS: GET THEE TO A MARMARRY!!!!!!!!

(get it?)

[Em]

I agree with the others, you rock! You are well spoken. And a fun read! Keep it up!
Oh, and as a proud caretaker of a slightly paler version of a marmie - you must get one! And then share the pics so we can all go Ahhn! :)

[claudia d]

I always enjoy reading your comments because they are so well written. After reading much of the commentroversy, it seemed like you were attempting an intellectual "EHN!" but there was nothing of substance to connect to on the PFS side. I'm surprised you were able to hang in there for so long. She wasn't worthy of the effort.

I'll add my voice to those who are encouraging you to get a marmie!!

[Dogbreath]

Don't worry, Berthaservant, all us real girls love you, and we know that you are not a sexist. I have always enjoyed your posts at CO - sometimes witty and lighthearted, sometimes thoughtful and scholarly, always articulate and well written. Please continue posting there and don't pay any attention to the occasional troll.

I'm thinking that the pink slipper person must have really hit a nerve with you. But his/her/its "arguments" weren't actual attempts to participate in reasoned discussion or debate - they were just window dressing for sophisticated and determined trolling, pure intent to incite and provoke and nothing more. I'm sorry that such a spiteful person with nothing better to do could cause real pain to real people, especially to you.

Speaking of which, I couldn't find the link to your MySpace page. If you took it down as a result of slipper person's malicious postings, I don't blame you. I wouldn't want someone like that knowing how to get in touch with me either.

[Decca]

May I second everyone's comments? Intelligent, articulate, and open-minded men are the sexiest things on two legs. I love the way you write and always enjoy your comments on CO. Thank you, for making me think and making me smile.

[anner]

Since I only just discovered your blog, I'm am only now coming here to comment on this deplorable flame war...well, not deplorable in that it gave those of us who feel we know you enough to know that you are a good egg to see just what a good (and intelligent and respectful and strong) egg you are. Others have said it here better than I. You put into words, and backed up with Names of Officially Smart Ladies the way I feel about this sort of issue; as afraid as I feel of some men, hiding my body just seems to be the absolutely wrong answer. Isn't that what burqas are all about?

I also wanted to say that I very much sympathize with what I perceive to be your hurt feelings over being attacked in this way. I myself recently submitted to a flame war over on Library Mofo. I said something to the effect that, while I was happy to share a restroom with trans- women, I could empathize with some women who might be viscerally alarmed at seeing someone they perceive to be a man in the ladies room. I was called sexist and told that my empathy came from a place of privilege (frankly, wherever empathy comes from, it never occurred to me it could be a bad thing, but anywho...). And all this at the hands of similarly unpleasant, rhetoric-spouting, nasty, bitter (albeit articulate and well-rehearsed!) person whose whole argument centered around NOT respecting anyone else's point of view. Whoever was right or wrong, the point is it shook me to the core to be called sexist, to be told that I was inherently, how else can I put it, BAD. It ruined my day. It ruined my week. I lost sleep, and I missed a day of work. Oh, and I did not remain nearly as clear-headed and respectful as you did. I was UPSET. And all because of some troll on the stupid interwebs!

I'm sorry this happened to you too, because as I said, I think you are the best of eggs! I must say I envy you for being so well able to stand your ground, but I guess that you just can't win with someone who is bent on telling you that you are wrong wrong wrong and bad bad bad. Well, just add me to the chorus of strong women who think you are awesome awesome awesome.

[Marymomma]

Another supporter of all things Berthaservant. :)

(And I'm a liberal, feminist, tree-huggin' hippy momma too. GASP.)

[Marymomma]

Just had to post again because I somehow missed that you teach at the lovely UCSB campus! :) We live in Santa Maria, and head over to SB whenever we can. Isn't it just a lovely place to live?